What is marriage?

I used to think that having and being in a relationship is the happiest and best thing for anyone. I used to believe in " Happily ever after". I used to think that having someone to love, to care and to hold and receive as well is really important and all we need. I used to believe in anything and everything about love.

But lately Ive started to think otherwise....

Before married, my boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship for 3 years, engaged for a year and now married for 3 years +. The long distance relationship was really hard. Emotionally we are together but physically we are not. Telephone and internet were our best friends and it still does. Preparation for the wedding was the painful one coz I have to do, prepare and book everything alone with a lot of tears and heartaches for just 1 day of celebration.

Now after 3 years, Im still wondering whether we are fit for each other. Out of 12 months in a year, he would travel for projects for 4 months. We are still the same, arguing once in a while but lately we've started to feel different. How he prefers to be with his friends more than me, how I felt isnt really that important to him anymore, we dont make love like we used to anymore or that often, we feel like we are there but not quite there, he likes shouting during conversation, how everything and anything is a chore to us, we have shorter patience now than we did last time, started cursing a bit and maybe soon get physical (dunno....)

Im still wondering whether I know how to be a wife, a good wife. Do I makes him happy? Or I only gives him grief? After Ive moved to Singapore, I cant seems to find real friends to keep me company whenever Im alone in this small country. I thought Ive let go of the past but Im still hanging on to it. Hoping and wishing that tomorrow will be a better day for me and us.

I can cook. Cook very well. It is a positive point for others but it may not be for him. Food has never been an important part for him. So he viewed it as not important. I am a very artistic person and a pure original Geminian with a constant mood swing, searching for excitement and does things in passion.

I view cooking as something that is very passionate. I cook with passion. In order to cook well you must have a mission. You must feel the love and be in the right mood. Its like painting an art. For me, its my husband. I knew that he works very hard for us and our future. I cant help him in his work but what I can do is secretly and quietly fill up his stomach and makes him healthy.

I thought every man values it. Home cook food which is nourishing and good instead of eating out alone eating the food that no one even bother whether you like it or not. But I guessed I was wrong. He said that my cooking is too much, makes him fat and its not like his simple mother's cooking (his mom's good isnt great). Does he know how I felt when he said this?

I am a very bad temper person and most of the time I tend to be very anxious. Somehow I can never get rid of this bad attitude of mine that leads to a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. I wish so much that I can travel like I used to again be it for work or leisure. Refresh myself and away from reality for awhile really do good to me in order to tackle all the challenges be it work or personal.

How can I be a good wife? What should I do? Till now I still do not know. How can we stay married and be happier? What and how can we make each other happier? Getting marry is sooooo easy but being in a marriage is really really hard.

Im not prepared to give up this relationship but Im not sure he is. When the person is calculating how much he/she is doing and have or are sacrificing, it is a sign. When you are at your worst, the other hand just wouldnt clap in rhyterm with you, it is a sign. Whatever you said or think or feel isn't going through to the other person, there's a sign.

What I know is that after married, I have more heartaches than before. Ive lost more tears than I used to. What could I do? How can do mend and seal all the cracks? What should I do? What can we do?

Depression - My 1 year review after moving to Singapore

I knew I have depression for a long time. Its something that nobody wants. Having depression doesnt mean that you're mentally unsound or anything. According to research 1 in every 4 women suffering from depression and yet very few get medical help. Its not fun being depressed. All your life surrounded by darkness and all you want to do is being alone, crawl into bed, cry for no reason, see everything negatively, walk and live like a zombie. You will push all your love ones away because you have lost your way to communicate with them. Its like having a wall where you are listening but you dont know what the person is talking about and it will not reach your brains and mind.

I always ask "Why me?!" The fact that look so jovial and with a good sense of humour doesnt help much in my life. I may laugh a lot and joke around but when I am alone, I rather be alone in my own space to get some peace and quiet. I always knew I have depression but I am able to handle it. After moving to Singapore, it got worst.

The fact I missed my family (my mom especially) doesnt really help the situation. I have a life in KL and felt so stupid to throw it away and sacrifices to move to Singapore. My work isnt going well either because of the way the Company run makes everyone miserable. Turnover rate is extremely high. Waking up 5:20am every day to work isnt fun either. I kept asking myself "Why Me?!" every day I wakes up. When you come back from work, it will be sun down. You will be too tired for anything from all the mrt and bus trips you've made just to get home. Daily.

I call home daily and I cried every single damn call. I cried myself to sleep, afraid to voice out because I dont want to hurt my husband. He constantly blames himself for my unhappiness. I wish I can assures him but I cant. Because part of me blames him too.

I am so used of having my long distance relationship and now living together is like a starting point. The first month was just soooooo hard. We crossed each others path so many times. I enjoy being alone be it watching tv or reading a book. I value that space because I have gotten so used to it. Wish my dog Patches was here with me because there's only 2 of us at night. My husband and I began to argue a lot. He doesnt understand it and kept on telling me that he wish I can just be happier.

I go back to KL monthly. I feel so alive when Im home. Back to my comfy home, surrounded by friends and family. I miss my Mom a lot and her cooking as well. Time passes so fast when Im home and when it is the time to leave, I cant stop crying. Crying inside my heart. Dont dare to cry openly because it will affect him, my husband. This didnt help me because I am keep it to myself.

When I reach back to Singapore, I am a lifeless being again. Trying to find my path, my life and happiness, if possible. Along the way, some of my goodfriends made the effort to visit me. It brings me so much joy seeing them and spending time together. Just like old times........

My youngest baby brother acknowledges my situation and came over to stayed with us for 3 months. Its a boring and mundane life for him. Consist of playing ps2 or ps3 games and computer. But he kept on because he knew how much it meant to me for him being there. It really helps and I appreciates it. By having a family member around helps me to look forward to another day. Without him being here in Singapore, I think it will be worst for me.

Mom and Aunty also makes a point to visit. I always look forward to their visits all the time. Spending time with them and seeing how happy my Mom is makes me happy. Shopping, Eating, Joking around, Laughing all day long. She also take the effort to cook for her daughters and son in Singapore. Nothing bring her joy than seeing her kids eating what she have cooked.

Its hard to say goodbye. Its so hard. Seeing the person walking away from you its most painful thing to do. This also added up inside me. I resigned from the first Company that I worked in Singapore in January 2008. In a way it actually lifted up a bit of the dark heavy feelings away from me. Still I worries whether my husband would be able to sustain 2 burden (1 in Msia and 1 in Singapore). He assures me that he can handle it and we just need to conserve.

With me being jobless, I am able to spend more time back in Msia to heal my wounded heart. And I am able to spend more time with my husband and slowly develope our relationship to make the foundation stronger. We do argues and sometimes it can be nasty. Whenever we managed to build the foundation stronger, it shakes a little.

After 2 months break, I managed to find a job. But the job wasnt what I have in mind and after 1 1/2 month, Ive resigned again. Subsequently, we shifted to another apartment (which cost more) and now I am still looking for a job. When the pressure and stress of money workes up, it can shakes the relationship. With the current high cost of living, it has taken a toll on my relationship with my husband. Its always sweet and happy for the first 2 weeks of the month. When the 3rd week of the month comes, things become cloudy and by the 4th week of the month, its already darkness.

I still cries whenever I call my Mom. I know it tears her apart listening to me crying and being sad. She told me that I used to be a jovial, fierce and strong person. Where has it gone to? She told me no matter what, I still have her and Dad. I still have a family to go to. She will not let me fall no matter what it takes.

What she said was a wake up call for me. I was so clouded by darkness that I failed to see it. Thanks to friends's and familys' encouragements and advises, I am slowly coming out from the darkness. One step at a time. Its a hard and long road. When something bad happen, you will fall back and have to climb again. I guess if I dont do it, I will loose more. Depression is a disease that a person have to acknowledge and not in denial. If you keep ignoring it, it will not get better but worst.

Ive put a lot of expectation in me and constantly thinking negatively whenever I cant achieve it. My past constantly haunt me and the fact is that I was a victim doesnt really help either. The bright side is I acknowledged and want to do something for myself. I deserve to be happy!

I do not want my future children to have a depressing mother and follow the same path. I do want to be like my Mom. The best Mother anyone can hope for. Put her children and husband in front before her. Keep on giving and never expect any in return. Even though she's a housewife, she is one hell of a smart woman who's able to build her own fortune and she's so strong. She is not just my Mother, she's my bestfriend, my pillar of strength and most of all, my Angel. I dont know what I'll do without her.

Now that Im married and encountering with some problems in my marriage, Ive finally realized how lonely and tough it is for my Mom when she lost both of my grandparents so early. No one to share, Father constantly traveling, no friends to talk to and no where to go to. Whenever Father bullies her, she has no one but her kids. Stuck with a 5 kids and have to endure all the hardship and not able to do anything about it. Her life is tough. Tougher than any of us. I cry whenever I think about it. All I want is actually to give both of my parents a better life. I pray constantly for their good health and for them to be happy.

Its going to be 1 year living in Singapore. Real tough year. The worst and my lowest of all. But I realized that I am starting to fit in, a bit at a time and try to look positively in life. Ive enrolled myself to take a Diploma course. Its a start to lift my head higher.

One step at a time. I am sure I will be able to fight my demon and win one day.

God Bless.

Good Meal Honey. Thank you~!

My 6th day being a housewife. I realized that its not easy being a housewife. Its even more harder when your husband work from home! He will watch each and every steps that you are making. If you are just sitting on the sofa and enjoy a tv show without doing any cleaning, You're Dead! ;p

I have long to have some rest at home not worrying about my job etc. After working for almost ten (10) years, I am almost burned out. Finally got my dream come true only realized that it wasn't that fun after all. No extra income for shopping and being jobless you have listen to the one who is contributing..........

Anyway, for a month or 2, I don't mind. I realized time passes faster when you are at home. Being at home I can to spend my time to cooking daily for my husband instead of eating out (Singapore food sucks). I've cooked 3 simple dishes today. Fish Meat with Thai Sauce, Oyster Sauce Broccoli with Fish Cake and Mediterranean Chicken.

Look simple and taste good. Mike had a big plate of rice to go with him and am saving some for his supper. Watching him eating just feels great. I always believe that one of the way to make your man happy is to fill up his stomach.

For those who want the Mediterranean Chicken recipe, drop me a note. Very delicious and mouth watching dish and kids sure loves it.

My weekend in Singapore without Mike

Its boring living in Singapore. All you can do is shopping, window shopping. meeting up with friends for coffee, clubbing and work. 1 month staying and working is enough to make me sick. The food sucks here. Mainly to the sweet side (as if sugar is free in Singapore). If any Singaporean tells you that the Lor 9 Geylang Beef Koay Teow is good, dont buy it!!!!!!!!!!

My colleagues brought me there on Friday night. I was very excited as a lot of people have told me that the beef noodle is good. When the noodle arrived, it was in black sauce. Beef slice is good but the sauce is tasteless and the koay teow is not that good either. The koay teow is more like chee cheung fun. I prefers the "yaw char kwai" next door though. Goes well with soya been. Their beancurd is good as well. I enjoys the dessert more than the main dishes.

Frankly, Malaysian food is much much better than Singapore (majority). My second month here at Singapore. Everyone told me that Singapore is a place to earn money only and I have finally switch my brains to that channel.

Today I went to East Coast Park (ECP) with my brother M.Wah and sister Sook Ling. This is the first time I enjoy myself so much after moving here. ECP is a Park where you have enjoy with family and friends. You can camp here (for real!), have bbq, exercise, cycling, swimming, water sports, you can roller blade etc. There is a place where you can rent a bicycle or roller blades.

I rented a bicycle while my siblings enjoy roller blading (which I cant do it at all!). Have not been cycling for more than a decade. It was rusty at first but I managed to get hold of it later. Im so tired now and for all you know I will be walking like a crab tomorrow. But its great to sweat. My previous workout at the Celebrity Fitness did not failed me. I was struggling when I start exercising at the gym at first after so long not doing any exercise. So I make sure I will not suffer what I did before.

Life at Singapore

Day 1 : I've locked myself out when I went out for breakfast with Mike and MIL. Its was my first time and luckily my MIL have an xtra sets of keys or else I have to call the locksmith to knock the locks out. I'm totally blur today. Cant think straight at all. Mike and I took a flight to Singapore on July 26 2007 afternoon. Lucky for us that the check in counter for SIA didn't weight our bags. We even took our desktop along with us as well!

When we reached Singapore this time, I have a different feeling, totally different from all those previous trips Ive made. I guessed this time its because I am moving over to stay and I am a PR now. Well...... this is my 2nd home now and I have to get used to it. Even though this apartment is rented but its really spacious. During the 80s only the rich could stay here. Hopefully we'll still be able to stay for another year or two. The property prices at Singapore is ridiculous and still increasing. We are trying to make it look as cozy as possible so we could stay comfortably.


Mom told me that Patches looking sad that day after I have left. He kept on staying outside the main gate of the house and look after my car which Ive parked outside. Whenever there's a cat or someone passes by, he will bark like mad (I misses him too).

Day 2 : Taken my I/C today. Applied for my mobile phone line, posb account and a joint account in 1 day! Its a bit "ma fan" when you don't have a car. Wherever you go out, you have to walk a long distance, take bus or taxi to go around. I still have not recover from the blur feeling which I having since Day 1. Thank god my home doesn't need any keys at all to open the door or else I have to duplicate a few sets hehehe. We had our meals outside. Food at Singapore nothing to shout about. Tasteless mostly.

Day 3 : Cant afford to go out anymore. Too tired from all travelings for the past 2 weeks. Kick Mike out to buy some vege and meat so that I can cook tonight. After eating out for 2 days, I had enough. Going to make some ABC soup and Tong Yam Chicken/Vege for dinner. Living with Mike daily would really be a challenge for me. I like people to leave me alone, gives me some freedom to do whatever I like and not nag around all the time. Mike being him, he cares too much about me (whether I am happy, comfortable etc) would irritates me sometimes. I can understand that he loves and cares about me a lot but sometimes its just to much. I really have to have a lot of patience or else I will go crazy.

I have to take care our food/meal from now. Before, the person who took care of my meal would be my Mom. I really misses her a lot as well. Sometimes I know I have taken her for granted. But I would try my very best to make her happy and brings her out to anywhere she likes. I really cant imagine how I could survive without my Mom. She is the only one who could tame me, made me listen, and understands me.

I need a long vacation............. I need to save up some money for along vacation. Or else I don't know how long I could stand.

I'm going to start work effective from August 1 2007. Hopefully everything would run smoothly and works well for me. I need this break. And deserves it as well after running a strings of bad luck in my career path.

Wish me luck!

Post by Justine July 28 2007.

My Tai-tai Life

In case if you are wondering whether Ive put on weight, I can tell u YES! On my first weekday at home I have already bugged by my X-company. Tried to be as friendly and helpful as I could but they ended up not being grateful. Anyway these days all I did was spending time with my family and pet, watch tv, makan, minum, declared WAR with those lucky ones, sleep and PACKING!

Its a good life but I think its not for me (no tai-tai luck). When you work, you yearn for holidays but now I yearn to go back to work. Pretending not feeling well by getting MC is fun hehe But anyhow I will enjoy these few days that I have. Soon........ bye bye Selangor holidays. No more luxury of having so many holidays in 1 year.

I try to eat all my favourite foods before I leave for Singapore. Singapores food SUCKS! (no wonder all Singaporean so thin hehehe). I am going to leave home on July 26 2007 officially. Ive been getting very emotional lately as well. Ive made a nice thank you message with pictures to my parents. Mum came to my home and found it. I think she cried a bit coz her eyes is red. All I want is for my parents to be healthy and happy all the time. They mean the world to me and I would sacrifice anything just for them.

Anyway I bought some siew mais from Tesco The Curve last week because a friend recommended. Told me that its really fresh and tasty. Bought a mixture of everything and cost me RM25+++!!!!!!!!!!. When I steam it up today and eat it, BA GA! tasted like the ones we bought from outside shop. Too sweet with lotsa MSG. I kena cheated........ That fren sure got bad taste man and dunno why she likes it. I will never buy it again. U know who this friend is? Its my friend, Blah Blah Blah's best friend hehe

Anyone driving to Singapore??? I need help! U know what? Being a lady isn't easy. We need so much stuffs. I for one have a lot. If you want me to travel, U'll be sure see me with a big bag. So moving to Singapore isn't an easy task either. My hubby said that moving down (4 years ago) is so easy for him and asked whys mine so hard? CHEH! he only wears a few shirts and pants no need cosmetics, special shampoo for silky hair, beautiful clothes be it office wear or not blah blah blah of course easy lah! Ive learned my lesson. Men can't be trusted and depend on (at least not a lot).

Ive been running here and there spending most of my time with my Mum, Brother and Patches. This morning I noticed a big long crack on my windscreen. My Mum was wondering whether water would seep in from the frank and flood my big black Bad mobile hehehe so silly...

Gotten my International license today. Its really easy but expensive though. RM150.00 per year. At least I could drive if I need to at other countries. Todate I have pack up my things quite a bit. I am going to miss my comfy home. This home of mine I just cant explain to you how I felt. Its quiet, cozy and I felt so safe there. Its where I could keep me secrets. And most importantly, its MINE.

I have spend so much money and time on this house and I havent really enjoy it to the max yet. I realized that it doesnt matter how big or small your home is. Size really doesnt matter. For me an 800 sq ft apartment is good enough as I suck in cleaning. When I'm home, I enjoy being alone doing my own things, watch some tv etc. Maybe I was brought up in a large family so I am not keen on having a lot of people living at home (unless for functions or visits). Hopefully I am able to make my future home in sg as cozy and lovely as this.

Posted by Justine, July 20 2007 5:10pm

My Weekend at Port Dickson